How to get out of a funk

Hint: "Why" you're feeling like this doesn't matter as much as you think it does.

Note: This was written in early December 2021. I was unsure at the time if I wanted to share it, if it was good enough for eyes beyond mine, but upon reading it again, I hope you find it helpful.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been in a funk. I feel untethered and unmotivated and like I want to hibernate until 2022.

The funky thing about my funks is that I don’t realize how deep I’m in until I’ve been there for a couple weeks already. I finally look around and I’m like, “Oh yeah. I know this place.” Today was that day for me.

So I tried to think of why I’ve been feeling this way: I have to move out of my apartment in February 2022 and I hate moving. I hate big life disruptions. So I kind of figured there’s some dread about that.

But instead of spiraling too deep into the questions I simply don’t have answers to right now, I decided another approach might be a little more helpful. Rather than asking myself “why am I feeling like this?” I asked “how can I be accountable to myself during this period of feeling untethered?” And since I am actively practicing asking for help, I decided to turn to one of my oracle decks for guidance (specifically, The Wild Unknown Archetype deck.)

My pull: The Mother (think more archetype, less gender role.)

The Mother’s love is nurturing, life-giving, safe, like when you’re overwhelmed by life and your heart hurts and you just want a warm, comforting hug. But of course, as with anything, there is duality. The mother’s love can also be withholding, restrictive, conditional.

As I continue to self-parent my inner child, my sweet younger selves who are still very much alive and present, what kind of love am I showing myself? If I want to love in alignment with my values, I cannot be attached to how I am showing up during this funk. When I binge watch Queer Eye all day and check out because I don’t want to deal with my feelings, I judge instead of allowing myself to just be, to simply do what I can in that moment. I’m disappointed because I’m laying around instead of dealing with my shit. This is not an offering of nurturing love to myself.

If I continue to remain attached to the ways I am showing up, favorably or otherwise, I am not being accountable to myself. Being accountable, to me, doesn’t mean forcing myself to be productive after a day of binge watching TV. It doesn’t mean judging myself because I don’t seem to be making an effort to “fix” my funk.

Accountability means giving myself the space to show up however I want to, however I need to, with love, because I trust myself. I trust my process. I trust that if I am going through a funk, I know what I need to do to care for myself, to rest, to unravel, to put the pieces back together again. And I think that is the sweetest offering of The Mother for this moment: When their child falls down, they trust them to get back up and observe and support as they do it in their own time, in their own way.

So maybe I don’t know when this funk will end, and maybe I won’t have the energy to do more than get myself out of bed for awhile. But during this time, I can validate that I’m going through it—because life is fucking hard and sometimes I’m not going to feel good and that’s normal and OK. I can hold myself tenderly through this and trust my inner knowing and timing until the sun comes out again—because it will come out again. In the meantime, I’ll do whatever I feel like doing, and if that’s doing nothing, miss me with the judgments. (me @ me)

As always, I never promise to have the answers, but I sure do love having you along while I figure it out.

Ayu

P.S. I know I’ve been MIA! I’m pregnant and thus navigating some big life changes. But I have something planned for July—a little different from what I’ve been doing, but I hope you enjoy it. And I hope you are taking exquisite care of yourself!

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Do you have answers?

How do you stay accountable to yourself when you’re in a funk? How do you show yourself love when you’re not feeling very lovable? I would love to know—respond to this email (or mention it in the comments!)

I acknowledge that this newsletter is written and illustrated on the traditional land of the Duwamish People, past and present. I honor with gratitude the land itself and the Duwamish Tribe.